It’s been awhile since I’ve seen your face or heard your voice.
It’s been months since I’ve woken up to a “good morning beautiful text” and fallen asleep on the phone, while u went on making false promises about our future together.
You didn’t see me the way I saw myself-
You listened…
You cared …
You put on an act…
The master of your own selfish game.
I put our playlist on repeat and dance around the room,
In your favourite red dress,
Letting the sweet melodies fill my mind with memories of you.
It’s funny to think I stood by you even through the bad,
And now you’ve moved on, telling her about what we once had.
Does your mom still ask about me?
Did you eat today?
Do you miss me like I miss you?
Now I’m stuck sending you one text a time,
I know you’re by your phone,
So why won’t you hit my line?
We talked more when you were Intoxicated;
Inebriated,
Left me wondering about the extent of your sober thoughts.
You did me wrong but it felt right,
I should have left but I was tied down by you-
The chains, tight.
I screwed around and got attached to you,
Maybe that’s why, the sky seems so dark and blue.
I’m doing things we used to do hoping I’ll run Into you.
The stars that once lit the night sky we met beneath,
A dull reminder of you and me.
You said you needed love,
and claimed you wanted me,
But your actions spoke volumes;
Much louder than your words.
It’s 5:30 am, and I’m still not over you.
Summary:
The poem itself touches on subjects of heartbreak and teenage love. It guides the reader through the late night thoughts one may stumble across questioning their past relationship. The individual is reminiscent of their past relationship yet still holds feelings of resentment. I have written this poem primarily as a free verse poem with a few rhyming schemes to create a sense of cohesiveness between the ideas. I wanted to be able to get the true emotions of dying love across and the use of free verse allows the internal confusion associated with heartbreak, to be more prominent throughout the piece. The poem allows potential readers to relate in a variety of ways. I had drawn inspiration for this poem from many of my favourite pieces of music recently, and have incorporated a few lyrics within the piece from artists such as Summer Walker, Giveon and Ali Gatie as many of their songs resonate with the ideas represented in the poem, and when combined allow a feeling of musicality which is what I was striving for. The use of lines from specific pieces of music allow for a deeper meaning and bring the emotions to life.
Dear Khushman,
Reading your poem allowed me to visualize a teenage girl, going though the hardships of a torn relationship. You accomplished this visual accept by adding great detail into your poem, which can be greatly appreciated by any reader. Adding those lyrics in from songs that are relevant to youth today grants on the ability to relate to your piece and truly speaks volumes to how much of a wonderful writer you are.
With this, I suggest sticking to a continuous rhyme scheme as it would give the piece more unity throughout the poem instead of just specific parts of your writing.
In all, I really enjoyed this poem and I am looking forward to reading you future posts!
Kinds regards,
Avishi
Dear Avishi,
Thank you so much for the feedback, I’ll be sure to take your suggestions for future pieces into consideration.
sincerely, Khushman
Dear Khushman,
Your poem is very well written. I loved how you used different song lyrics from different artists, as I was able to pick up on them. I can tell this piece was written with a lot of emotion which is one of the reasons it was so interesting to read. I also loved how you carried the time 5:30 throughout your poem, from the title to the last line.
The only thing I would change about your poem is rewording the song lyrics you used a little, I found it slightly distracting reading the exact song lyric.
I’m always excited to come back and read more of your pieces, you are becoming a great writer! Can’t wait for you to write more and publish more.
-Nehchal
Dear Nehchal,
Thank you for the kind words
Sincerely,
Khushman
Dear Khushman,
This was amazing!! First of all, I was already hooked when I read your title and saw your feature image. Getting into the poem, I was intrigued by how genuine and vivid the wording and diction was and how it added so much to the tone. The song lyrics were so interesting and creative as they adding so much to the piece.
One line that stood out to me was, “And now you’ve moved on, telling her about what we once had.” The build-up to this shift was perfect; it felt like a moment of silence after chaos.
For critiques, I would suggest finding those shifts in your poem and separating it into stanzas to make it feel not as long when reading. I found myself being disconnected from the piece wondering when this part was going to shift. With separating it into stanzas, it gives the reader a chance to reflect on what they read and really understand it.
Overall, I admire your writing and tone. The aesthetic of your blog really added to the theme.
Sincerely,
Hadlen
Dear Hadlen,
Thank you so much for the compliments. As far as the stanzas are concerned, I happen to agree. I had initially had the piece formatted differently but when I tried to change the format within the application it unfortunately would not let me do so I had to leave it as is, so really it was only a matter of technical difficulties and not being able to fix it.
sincerely,
Khushman